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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
What about second breakfast?
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.