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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
That took me a moment.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
This was the best day of my life
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!