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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”