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My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Has there ever been a more American story?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.