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My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date