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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
adam and eve had first world problems
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”