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At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*