Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work