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Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
had to share :’)
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.