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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.


Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight


There’s no law that says you can’t use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.


*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people


Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?


Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?


I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”


Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.