59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
You Might Also Like
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Most Common Source of Electricity
adam and eve had first world problems
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.