59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
You Might Also Like
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Not my job 😂
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
It’s an epidemic…
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.