59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
You Might Also Like
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?