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“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*