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NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
This is a genius move
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]