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PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable