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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Did a trash talking tree write this?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler