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I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
God making man in his image was the original selfie
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Hmmmmm
