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Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
If only
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I am a gravy boat captain
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.