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let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.