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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
then why did i get this email
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I have never related to anyone more.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
The Eggorcist
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald’s, they’ll think you’re sharing all that food with another person.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor