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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Can Happiness buy money?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”