You Might Also Like
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
found this cool rock hiking today
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
If you’re testing me, we failed.