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Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Do not levitate over flowers
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?