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I bet
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Guys, I found it.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Rambo Rambow
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*