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Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.