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Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753