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me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours