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Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
People buying plungers never look happy.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.