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If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.