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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.