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Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
😎 🍻
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Me when I hear gossip
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.