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Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.