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A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
January has been Januweary
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
