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Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol