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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Good morning, Twitter x
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.