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Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.