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Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
I stand by it
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake