You Might Also Like
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
🍞🦆
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!