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the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
What is going on? 😅
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
choose your gary
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?