Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?

WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

my mom making me talk to relatives

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.