Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined