5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
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*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.