Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

I just love that new Pope smell.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.