5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
You Might Also Like
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider