Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”

“What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“It’s ROAR in the middle”

“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”

*coughs*

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains