Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

I mean…but I did

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.