5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
😩😩😩
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend