5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
cry laughing at this shit
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
man: wait
time: no
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.