Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

I’m so hungry I could eat an apple

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

Some people are hope, some people are nope.

Choose wisely.

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.