Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?