5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?