Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

the noise i just made

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

[Restaurant]

“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”

Yes please

“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym