Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

[bed]

ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me

ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.