5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Ghost costume 😂
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.