Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

The Others (2001)