Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.

ME: “Want.”

DRACULA: Vant.

ME: Wan—it’s a W.

DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit