Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

This came to me in a dream.

wife: how did the poetry slam go?

me: *taping my glasses back together * better

Him: what’s your favorite season?

Me: Reese’s Egg Season

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.