5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
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After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.