5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

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Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.


wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken


My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.


Women would be better serial killers if they didn’t smile when people mention someone’s been missing


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*


Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.


Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”


“So send me a picture of you…”


“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”


It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.


Dave is coming over.

“Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he’s Spider-Man?”

[loud thud on the roof]