Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
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wife: please, don’t let our son down again
me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Women would be better serial killers if they didn’t smile when people mention someone’s been missing
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
“So send me a picture of you…”
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Dave is coming over.
“Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he’s Spider-Man?”
[loud thud on the roof]
BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE