@mompsychologist

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

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@TheMichaelRock

Live a little, ask her “are ya done?” while she’s still yelling at you.

@arcadeseals

wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Women would be better serial killers if they didn’t smile when people mention someone’s been missing

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

@sophielou

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

@OffTheHutch

“So send me a picture of you…”

*sends*

“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”

@peachgrenade

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

@onelongbender

Dave is coming over.

“Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he’s Spider-Man?”

[loud thud on the roof]

BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE