Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

want me to check your oil?

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.