Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw