5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
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My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
bad news gang
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
an airline just for babies.
🥴😂
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie