Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked

Love is always patient and kind.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges