Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.