Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

[church fundraiser]

me: *takes out a $100*

priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child

me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.