5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Cannot stop laughing at this
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.