Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

My wife makes us recycle everything.

*empties condom into sink*

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.