One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
mariah carrie
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Social distancing in Australia:
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.