Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.