Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?

Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

welcome back

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Wait a minute