*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
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lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Good morning y’all ☀️
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.