*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 馃槵*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
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“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Just organising my finances.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That鈥檚 the point, dummy.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I don鈥檛 claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
It鈥檚 obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
When I die, don鈥檛 burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
